Vikings Vaudeville, Vol. III

How 'bout (ways to beat) them Cowboys...

While Vikings coach Brad Childress and his coaching staff have holed themselves up looking at ways to beat the Dallas Cowboys on the field this Sunday in the NFC Divisional Playoffs, I've been doing a little thinking myself to help the Purple Squad off the field.

Here are 10 things I've come up with to help the Vikings beat the Cowboys (all in good fun, of course):

• Hire Jessica Simpson to sing the National Anthem in a Vikings' cheerleaders outfit with her arm around Ragnar, clad in a Brett Favre jersey. That ought to throw that Romo guy off his game.

• Check the statute of limitations to see if an arrest warrant can be issued for Jerry Jones on 13 felony counts of theft for each of the 8 draft choices and 5 players given up in the Herschel Walker trade (circa 1989) and nab that J.R. Ewing-wannabe the second he sets foot in our 'Dome. We can use the 5 players as plea bargain bait since they weren't worth much anyway. In a two-birds-with-one-stone kind of thing, fine Jones' about a half billion bucks and more than half the new stadium is paid for right there!

• While Viking's lawyers are at it, see what the statute of limitations are on assault and robbery for Drew Pearson's push off on Nate Wright and the Cowboys stealing the win in that 1975 NFC playoff game. Might get enough fine money here to assure we get a roof for new stadium.

• For this game only, sneak into Metrodome with a pair of really big Fiskars and cut off the roof. Trump up bunko charges, blame the Cowboys for this, too, and fine them for this enough to pay for an extension for Brett Favre. If the previous two fines didn't push Jerry Jones over the revenue-sharing edge, this one will for certain.

• Tell the Cowboys upon check-in time at their Minneapolis hotel, "we're on Northern Time up here fellas so be sure to set your clocks back 4 hours." They show up late, forfeit and it's onto the NFC Championship game for the Purple!

• Find Herb Meed (the original Vikings' mascot) and get him to do a public exorcism of the Vikings' NFC playoff demons at midfield of Mall O'merica Field right before the coin toss at Sunday's game and, if necessary, sacrifice a live chicken if necessary because, like the Cowboys, they wear white at home and on the road!

• See if Roger Staubach or Troy Aikman are interested in inking a short-term deal to be our backup QB. We swept 2 from the Packers after signing their legendary QB. Couldn't hurt to try that formula again.

• Hire ex-Vikes Keith Millard and Koren Robinson to drive the Cowboys charter buses when they're in town and alert the Minnesota State Patrol.

• Have T-Paw issue a mandate to remove all fiddles from the state, because you know folks from Texas can't play without one.

• Have Minnesota Congressional delegates fast-track legislation granting some Texans their wish to secede and then boot the Pokes out of the "National" Football League!