Every year, there are those tortured souls who go through the trouble of making New Year's resolutions and, in a sense, if I'm not their poster boy, then I'm at least a candidate for serious consideration.
Over the years I've vowed to do (or stop doing) several different things to varying degrees of success, but often they're for some pretty mundane things and lack any real creativity. This year I'm doing something different. Since I'm always belly-aching to the better half about what I don't have in life, instead of focusing on what I do have, I thought I'd go a step further and pretend I'm a citizen of the Have Nation instead of the Have-Not Third World Country.
I know it's too late to make these resolutions for this new year, but to give you a sneak preview of what my 2011 New Year's resolutions (provided 2010 is a fruitful and financially beneficial year) might look like, I offer you these:
* to ignore my good buddy Tiger's constant pleas to be his "wing" man when my family is visiting our Florida vacation home.
* to, at least for one month during the year, not laugh all the way to the bank or if I do, not to snort during the process.
* to resist the urge, despite having the money to do so, to actually hire the cast from the movie "The Hangover", fly them to Vegas to try and recreate the entire movie, only this time I get to play the Zach Galifianakis role. I have to always remember when this debate rages on internally that I have a family to think about.
* to no longer have to pursue legal action against one Ms. Megan Denise Fox of Hollywood, Cal., for her persistent insistence I escort her to red-carpet events.
* to have more patience with the Vikings head coach, despite the fact that 51-percent controlling interest I now own in the team gives me the right to drop the hatchet.
* to finally read one of those books my good friend Oprah keeps mentioning to me during dinner parties at her crib but I always put off.
* to stop cold calling dentist's offices trying to get a fifth one to give in and recommend Trident to their patients who chew gum 'cause that's the kind of thing "eccentric" rich people do and I could do without the eccentric part of that equation.
* to become more patriotic and pay more attention to my domestic automobiles when making the daily choice from my fleet of which one my chauffeur will drive me to work in that day.
* to not keep using the cliche "if I had a dollar (or quarter, dime or nickel) for everytime (fill in the blank)..." because I already have enough of all of those.
* to get to the point in my life where if I do someday "buy the farm" I'll have enough to pay for it all up front and not have to "borrow" any of it.
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