Whiny Boy: Chapter IV - Whiny loves his sports

There is nothing that permeates and promotes Whiny’s cause more than athletic endeavors. It’s a creative outlet for us to let loose that Whiny beast within us.

Whiny Girl has some existence in this, but the thing that separates her from Whiny Boy is she has this part of her life under control and actually keeps sports in proper perspective whereas Whiny Boy lacks the ability to follow that example.

Find me a Whiny Boy who has found perfect balance in their sports life, and I’ll show you a liar.

Sports exist because of Whiny and nothing else.

TV networks don’t fork out billions of dollars for broadcast rights because it’s cool. It’s because they and their advertisers love Whiny Boy. They need Whiny Boy.

The beauty of the connection between the Whiny World and sports is that it can make him feel oh, so good about himself, and then as fast as a 2-0 fastball sails out of the park or a half-court shot clangs through the rim it can rip his heart right out, toss it on the floor and stomp all over it.

Sports talk radio exist because of Whiny. ESPN exists because of Whiny. Sports blogs and forums and message boards exist because of Whiny.

You get the picture.

Even though Spectator Whiny far outnumbers the rest of the Sports Whiny clan, athletes and coaches are admitted into the club with no questions asked.

Spectator Whiny loves seeing Athletic Whiny or Coaching Whiny melt down on the playing field. But, Spectator Whiny also loves to see those two succeed on the field provided the color and logos on their uniform happens to match those of that jersey they forked out a couple hundred bucks out for at the start of the season.

For every happy Spectator Whiny, there is a sad and disgusted one out there somewhere furiously typing on his www.fire(insert coach’s name here).com or www.trade(insert athletes name here).com website.

Athletic Whiny is one part of the club that is harder to get into and members from this faction aren’t as easily detectable as others.

Take Tiger Woods, for instance. Normally not a guy you’d associate with such a sub-species, but if you examine this marvel of golfing talent closely you’ll see his inner Whiny.

Tiger had thoroughly dominated professional golf the first few years of his career but most wouldn’t realize he’s a member of the club. What happened to him is a classic case of Inner Whiny winning out and hereby altering his swing.

Yes, his swing.

He was winning tournaments at a blistering pace early in his career more than any mortal had ever done so in history. Yet, it wasn’t good enough.

Tiger’s Inner Whiny took over the best of the greatest golfer in the world. It happens to the best of them.

Coach Whiny’s poster boy is none other than college hoops coaching legend Bobby Knight. He has made a very comfortable living for himself with his Outer Whiny, but he has even higher value to the Whiny World when Bobby’s Inner Whiny boils to the top.

Baseball managers are also classic examples of what Coaching Whiny looks like. Watch them argue a close call and it’s like poetry in motion with saliva flying in one direction and the expletives in another.

Sportscasters and sportswriters are the emcees of the collaborative whine fest for Spectator Whiny. They are our great enablers. The only thing different is they actually get paid to state their whining publicly.

Fantasy sports could be the one mitigating factor in the possibility that Whiny Boy may someday become extinct. We herd to fantasy drafts like dodo birds and think this somehow qualifies our opinions as worthwhile. If these meaningless conglomerations of clueless rubes (which I’m proudly a part of) are ever made illegal, it could mean you might want to settle up the score with your maker of choice because the end is not far off.

Face the fact, as long as sports exist, Whiny Boy will have something to satisfy his hunger and quench his thirst.

I don’t even like to consider the possibility of sports ever going completely away, because Whiny more than likely would shrivel up and die or at least there would be a lot fewer of us in the world.
That’s a world of which I would want no part.

Likewise, if Whiny Boy were ever to become extinct, sports, as we know it, would meet an equal demise and I shudder at that possibility, too, although many would embrace it.

But, it’s a safe bet neither will happen so we can endure without hesitation for at least a few more decades.