My Twitter History (Part I)

Here is a listing of some of my most popular Tweets that I've posted over the past year and a half (most of them coming since Nov. 2012). Enjoy!

MY TWITTER LIFE

(thru March 13)

·  Working on a script about a woman who lobbies Congress on behalf of the pie industry. Gonna call it "Mrs. Smith's Goes to Washington" #oscar

·  Is it Manti Teo?! #conclave

·  Where there's smoke, there's a hire. #conclave

·  "Owner of An Old Dodge Dart" -- #rejectedWeirdAlSongs

·  A sign in the hallway of the school where my daughter played VB this past weekend. Perhaps they knew I was coming! pic.twitter.com/KMvQ2YJvqu

·  You know what they say about a person who puts on weight quickly ... haste makes waist.

·  When life gives you Lemon, write a 30 Rock script.

·  Now Dennis Rodman is pondering a trip to the Vatican after visiting North Korea's Kim Jong Un. It's being called the Dope-&-Pope Tour.

·  Fainting goats get way too much recognition for basically not being able to handle pressure situations.

·  Storming the court is best described as a really aggressive invasion of a lot of people's personal space...on a shiny wood floor.

·  Spirit fingers are nothing more than air typing on a really long ergonomic keyboard.

·  Pudding cups are the shots of the snack world.

·  Can't tell if the black smoke means no Pope or that the Cardinals think global warming is a sham. #conclave

·  Having a strong work ethic is important to me because I want people to have something nice to say about me at my funeral.

·  "Gas station sushi" could quite possibly be the most important new catch phrase TV commercials have given us since "where's the beef?"

·  I think I'm in the early stages of a mid-life crisis. Anyone know where I can find a good bookie?

·  Three weeks from today you can get walleye on a stick @ Target Field! Hopes are they'll provide big league baseball to watch while you eat.

·  Freedom of speech exists every where in America except in a library where you can only exercise it under your breath. #shhhhh

·  They could really boost ratings on Judge Judy if they allowed the audience to storm the court whether or not they agree with the verdict.

·  Cardinals foresee the future pope through conclave lenses.

·  Ok MTV, I think it's probably time to put the Real World franchise to rest when it appears that Fort Wayne is your only remaining option.

·  It would suck to come back in my next life as an evergreen tree. With a name like that it seems there wouldn't be much for leisure time

·  Item #62 on my bucket list is to make the Fortune 500 list...unfortunately I'd have to do the 61 things on the list before it to get there.

·  I don't know why they call it "spring ahead" because I always feel like crap w/o extra hour. Maybe it should be called "pushed forward".

·  People who really confuse me are those who have a "S#@t Happens" bumper sticker right next to their "What Happens in Vegas..." one.

·  Does anyone have the latest Mumford & Sons catalog? I need to order about 22 feet of PVC.

·  I'm surprised Wile E. Coyote doesn't own Acme by now with all the faulty products they sold him.

·  If you could jump so high it would make people dizzy would that be called your vertigo leap?

·  A big thing separating us from the animals is animals still haven't figured out how opposable thumbs can be used to palm a basketball.

·  When times are tough for me and someone says "we're thinking of you" I sometimes like to reply back "in what way?" just to see them squirm.

·  While there is no 'I' in cyclops, there is an 'eye'.

·  Hopefully the Cardinals keep in mind the number 1 rule in chosing a new Pope ... vocation, vocation, vocation. #conclave

·  Hey Xenedrine commercial maker, the 80s called and they want their Sheena Easton (post Prince) video back.

·  Imagine how much more this country would despise Cuba if its leader were named Infidel Castro.

·  If I were a troll I'd move to Australia because bridges in the land down under must be twice as sweet.

·  Syndication and an Emmy almost guaranteed for first sitcom to revive "Kiss my grits!" catch phrase. #alicelives

·  Did the rest of the Senate storm the court after Senator Rand finally ended his filibuster?

·  Out of all of Carmen Electra's exes, Dennis Rodman is the one I'd least suspect to be able to negotiate a peace deal between anything.

·  A.G. Bell patents telephone on this day in 1876...two days later Mr. Bell receives first-ever call inquiring about Prince Albert in a can.

·  All this talk about Dave & Buster is making me hungry and giving me an urge to play skeet ball...oh wait, you said filibuster? Never mind.

·  I've unknowingly used all of the Seven Dwarfs' names to update my Facebook status...well, except Doc. I only used that in pick up lines.

·  Weird Al has carved a very nice living out of making sure that mocking word does sing.

·  Cursive has become such a lost art that many dads no longer teach their sons how to write their name in the snow. They Instagram it instead.

·  When an Amish Mafia member rats out his fellow members he often has to be put into the Jehovah's Witness relocation program.

·  Sick kid aside, worst part of staying home w/ ill child is discovering Price is Right now using male models. #JaniceHollyDian

·  Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of the Contras. #80sTypingTest

·  A Canadian on the Price is Right?! First foreigners take our jobs and now our rightful places in the Showcase Showdown. #unamurrican

·  So apparently a song called "Thrift Shop" is a big hit with the kids. Now I hear Macklemore is following that up with "Day Old Bread Store".

·  One of the biggest disappointments in my life up to this point is my inability to leap over something in a single bound.

·  A movie critic is the one person who benefits most from opposable thumbs.

·  People keep telling me to read this book about Warren Piece, but I can't seem to find it anywhere.

·  Proof that you can get too much education...most super villains have post-graduate degrees. #doctorevil

·  I want my funeral to be held at a gym so when it's over my family and friends can rush the court.

·  If I were a lawyer I'd want to work for Tupperware because everything they do has an airtight alibi.

·  If you believe TV, skateboarders doing rail slides have a success rate just below Mendoza line.. same as their chances of becoming a dad.

·  Craigslist's Rants & Raves proves that people are still doing meth...& probably in larger quantities than anyone ever anticipated.

·  Less than two weeks until spring arrives or what we Minnesotans like to call the end of chronic pasty season.

·  The reason I enjoy snowblowing is that it's probably the only way for a guy like me to feel as if I defeated Mother Nature & Old Man Winter.

·  Every time the weather gets really bad in the winter I stare out at my golf clubs in the garage & am reminded how much I suck at the game.

·  English teachers never die, they just get commatose.

·  Ok, did the Salvation Army band play while the children drank lemonade or were refreshments served after they performed?

·  If snow blowing an Olympic sport I'd probably be a gold medal favorite because of the fact I often use PEDs right before good accumulation.

·  They say you learn something new every day & today I learned about 'googans'...which apparently I would be if I ever appear on Wicked Tuna.

·  How long does March get to come in as a lamb?

·  Facebook used to be a great place to stay in touch with family & friends. Now it's become a great place to lose touch with reality.

·  Foreigner could really cash in if they did a Kidz Bop version of "Juice Box Hero".

·  Prediction: first country to create a weapon using juice box straws will be the next superpower.

·  At age 65, I wonder if Elton John still thinks Saturday night's alright for fighting because I have nothing going on tomorrow night.

·  You do have to hand it to convicted felons, they aren't afraid of commitment.

·  We're just one month away from April Fool's Day the one day per year where you're allowed to lie to people in front of their backs.

·  Hired a party planner once who hired a band that only played "My Sharona". Pleased, I told her "It's great you've got The Knack for this".

·  Do deceased racists get epithets put on their tombstones?

·  It's only a matter of time before a college sees its basketball team get a GPA of 3.0 or higher and its fans storm the library.

·  I don't think they should announce a new Pope until they figure out what his stance is on horse meat as a fish substitute for lent.

·  Is the white elephant part of the animal cracker family?

·  Skeleton life must be awesome because they pretty much take a clothing optional stance 364 days a year...Halloween being the only exception.

·  I never want to get kidnapped because it's tough for me to interact w/ people who probably can make a profit off me when I know I can't

·  If U2's plane crash lands in the mountains & they resort to cannibalism to survive they should call the movie "Livin' on The Edge.

·  Since we live inland we don't surf the web, we go siteseeing.

·  IKEA could avoid future meatball controversies by only using meat from horses named Charles. Then they could tout them as ground Chuck.

·  It'd be a public relations nightmare for the President if the eggs at this year's White House Easter Egg Hunt turned out to be horse eggs.

·  If a picture is worth a thousand words how can you add one to a Tweet with its 140 character limit? #soconfused

·  Every time I see Tina Fey on Letterman she breaks two Commandments...she steals the show but only after killing it.

·  Apparently Google has now created special glasses that can help you look up the 'future'.

·  I think God made February only 28 days long so three out of every four years March Madness could last a little longer. #yahwehisahoopsfan

·  There should be a law that whenever you follow someone on Twitter you are required to stay at least 140 characters behind them.

·  I'm constantly told there are no hard feelings, but if that's the case then why are two words assigned to them?

·  As they say in Hollywood, it's not so much what you know but rather who your agent knows.

·  The Tampa Bay Bucs won their only Super Bowl (XXXVII) over Oakland by employing a defensive game plan called the "Get Rich Quick Scheme"

·  Bread that is put into a jar to keep cookies moist has to be the most degrading form a slice can be subjected to in its short lifespan.

·  Paintball seems like its a sport best enjoyed by those who had problems as a child coloring between the lines.

·  Storming the court is like a really large flash mob running fast to the center of a very big room where a lot of tall people have gathered.

·  The bait they use on Wicked Tuna looks a lot more like the canned tuna I grew up eating then what they're pulling out of the ocean.

·  A prison break only belongs on your bucket list if Hollywood gives you seven-figures for the movie rights or your cell mate is a Menudo fan.

·  Unlike Hootie, I'm such a baby 'cause the onions make me cry...well, that and the end of Forrest Gump when Jenny dies. #peasandcarrots

·  I'm still so stoked that after my wife poured me a glass of warm milk to try and calm me down I stormed the kitchen. #gophers

·  That wasn't just a storm the court, that was a Gopher tsunami. #gophers

·  Titanic II's maiden voyage set for late 2016, which coincidentally is about the time last of icebergs should be melted. #boatwarmingparty

·  It's too bad these IKEA meatballs weren't made of seahorses because I'm sure Catholics would enjoy another Lent option on Fridays.

·  Happier than a Smuckers exec caught in a traffic jam. #failedGeicoad

·  Seeing @PattonOswalt do standup is like watching a genius at work who has hired an understudy to do his material on stage & he nails it.

·  Even though cavemen had all those carnivores to contend with, being a hunter and gatherer seems much cooler than being a bread winner.

·  Wouldn't it be grammatically correct to yell "fore" before hitting the shot?

·  Toughest part about writing a murder/mystery script about a guy killing each member of a barbershop quartet is the four-gone conclusion.

·  You know what happens when you assassinate? You put Nate and I next to a couple of asses.

·  What do you call a pirated version of this year's Oscar-winning best motion picture? Arrrrrgo. #weak

·  I do know the difference between right & wrong, I just often have a hard time remembering what it is, like now. #runningwithscissors

·  Instead of Jaws' theme for telling Oscar winners they were out of time they should have had Quint singing "Farewell and adieu to you..."

·  Seeing Sally Fields @ Oscars shows you can ride in a Trans-Am on screen & still reach the top, which is great news for Mr. Hasselhoff.

·  If new Pope is named Luke I say we nickname him Cool Hand and assign him catch phrase "What we have here is a failure to excommunicate".

·  Family trees are are sort of like Ponzi schemes. In order to get bigger they have to keep making more people to replace the departed ones.

·  @morgan_murphy Best served on toasted Seabiscuits.

·  They say in Hollywood that Oscar is King, but I bet if you asked him he'd want to know what his motivation was before accepting that role.

·  @paulfeig I could have scored you an invite to my crib for Marisa Tomei-to soup, Colby Jack Nicholson grilled cheese and a '98 Mira SorVino.

·  I think Daniel Day-Lewis's next role should be God...even if God isn't a man. #oscars2013

·  @morebenleonard Babs is like the mob. She may not seem like she's relevant but she makes one phone call and your house is photo bombed.

·  Even though Amy Adams didn't win for best supporting actress, her IMDB credits still include Talledega Nights and Anne's do not. #oscars

·  I guess if Kevin Costner can play Robin Hood then Daniel Day-Lewis can play Abe Lincoln. #oscars

·  Life of Pi has about a 3.14159265359% chance of winning. #oscars

·  "Brave" kilt it! #oscars

·  When I see Phil Seymour Hoffman I still think of him as that kid who threw Chris O'Donnell under the bus in Scent of a Woman. #oscars #hooah

·  Nearly snorted my Marisa Tomei-toe soup through my nose with Seth's "We Saw Your Boobs" song. #oscars

·  Each nominee in the Oscars' crowd as Seth is speaking has the look of people you see in a proctologist's office about to go in for an exam.

·  Seth MacFarlane has only two goals tonight...keep the Oscars on time and make Tommy Lee Jones smile. #oscars

·  Up until Blade Runner got arrested, we really didn't know any really bad Oscars other than the Grouch.

·  "Ridiculousness" has made it clear that laughter has evolved from a basic emotion to a one-act play people now go through when friends fail.

·  With the plethora of reality TV shows now, at some point in the near future I predict we will see a show dedicated to competitive laughter.

·  I always wanted to be a mountain climber, but was always held back by my fear of my heart stopping after falling from a really high place.

·  I have a hunch soccer would be much more popular in the U.S. if they blindfolded the goalies.

·  The Tour de France, as a way to win back the fans's trust, ought to allow riders to put playing cards in the spokes of their bikes. #varoom

·  It's comforting to know there are Tweets being sent out by the thousands right now that will cause people to break up by time the sun rises.

·  I can't keep up with technology. I still haven't posted my Call Me Maybe and Gangnam Style videos & now this Harlem Shake thing comes out.

·  The best part of any Clarence Clemons-vs-Kenny G debate is always the makeup sax.

·  Someone with infinite wisdom but no common sense is often the most dangerous...to themselves

·  My vision is so bad I recently ended up seeing an optimist. Bad news is no eye exam. Good news is I now see the bright side of things.

·  I'm not much of a Star Trek fan, but I'd pay good money to see "The Grapes of Wrath of Khan".

·  The best part of watching shows like Wicked Tuna is that I've cut back dramatically on the times I've fallen for things hook, line & sinker.

·  I'd take a lot more trips down Memory Lane if the price of gas correlated w/ how far back I went & I could avoid getting the mumps again.

·  Was going through some stuff from my high school days and found a bunch of old dance cards that were obviously full.

·  Isn't it ironic that beer and liquor companies, which pay big money to have their ads played during TV sporting events, are called sponsors.

·  Blowing snow is so much more rewarding for me than cutting grass because it's the battle of man vs. nature and not man vs. Turf Builder.

·  State tournament time is a six-week stretch of winter that excites Minnesota weather aficionados more than the Halloween blizzard of '91.

·  If I see one more Harlem Shake video I'm going to make one myself...and no one wants to see that.

·  The "Blade Runner's" arrest has given a new perspective on Oscar's Week. Hopefully the one of the Grouch variety can keep clean 'til Monday.

·  Warehouse stores like Sam's Club or Costco are great places to buy in bulk but if you're not careful later on you may die in bulk.

·  I once knew this guy who used to go out exclusively with ex-nuns and then break up with them a short time later...He was a habitual user.

·  Dodo birds probably lived somewhat of an existential life, except they didn't so much ask "who am I?" but rather "where am I?".

·  "New & improved" is basically a company's way of telling you it didn't do it right the first time.

·  For Lent I begged my family not to give up on me but they felt it would be much easier to give up soda.

·  One thing I don't want in my time machine is a fast turnaround time because as long as I'm going to the trouble I hope to stay there awhile.

·  Snopes(dot)com has really made it a lot easier for me to thin my Facebook herd.

·  Some of these HGTV shows would be a whole lot better if they allowed full contact.

·  Drawing big ears on someone who is sleeping should be called slipping them a Mickey.

·  CNN tweets "Ideas to save polar bears include airdrops of food" because apparently they need something to wash down w/ all that Coca-Cola.

·  I once saw a race horse with a face only a mudder could love.

·  Motivational speaker is not a career choice but rather an epiphany you have when you realize your only marketable skill is talking in public

·  You either have psychic abilities or not...there's no happy medium.

·  You never want to go good cop/bad cop on Bilbo Baggins...because he's such a hard Hobbit to break.

·  If a picture is worth a thousand words, then I'm guessing any photo I'm in is made up of, at bare minimum, 25 percent four-letter words.

·  Queen was so far ahead of its time. It's as if they wrote every song with an episode of "Behind the Music" in mind.

·  My son has used 8 different kinds of tape to make repairs on his Nerf hoop since he got it for X-mas, but yet can't seem to make his bed.

·  Life is like a smorgasbord, in that Americans will live both to the fullest & even more so if you slap a Swedish name on it.

·  It's so cold out that even Minnesotans are complaining about the weath...oh, wait, that's already our birthright. #nevermind

·  Our troubles began years ago when we started preaching to sell seashells by the seashore while the rest of world sold them further inland.

·  "This is the End" w/ @sethrogen, @jonahhill & friends looks like another one of those post-global apocalyptic buddy flicks like "Wild Hogs"

·  Gophers loss yesterday to Hawkeyes was worst beating in Iowa since Gilbert Grape beat up his brother Arnie for eating all that cake.

·  Why is it that every time I spend an hour watching a show on Bravo afterwards I feel the need to scrub my soul with an 80 grit loofah

·  I don't look at gray hair as sign of getting old, I look at it as sign of getting a head start on looking cool at the shuffleboard court.

·  They say you are only as good as the company you keep, so I have now dumped all my stock in Carnival Cruise Lines.

·  If "it's not what you know, but who you know" is true, then I'm afraid I'm holding back a lot of people.

·  Please tell me having a pick up line shot down in a German bar is called getting Red Baroned.

·  I liked "Moonshiners" the first time when it was Bible telling us about Jesus turning water into wine.

·  It'd be easier if the meek adopted Earth instead of inheriting it. If Earth ever got out of line the meek could taunt it about being adopted

·  It's not fair that those foods I shouldn't be eating are by far the easiest to make...damn you microwaveable bacon!

·  The meteor obviously wasn't Catholic or else it would have hit water.

·  Earth to God...next time you see a meteor heading my way let me offer these two simple words ... Crazy Ivan.

·  The best part if the Earth were flat...digging to China would not only be possible but probably part of our physical education curriculum.

·  If the Earth were flat I wonder which side would be heads and which one would be tails. #catchyouontheflipside

·  Do Garbage Pail Kids have bucket lists?

·  I never shadow box simply because I'm afraid of my own.

·  Florists were smart to get Valentine's Day scheduled in winter. Much easier to sell flowers when there are no gardens from which to steal.

·  Shortsighted Catholics around the world are kicking themselves for vowing to give up candy for Lent & then realize today is Valentine's Day.

·  I won't jump on any bandwagon unless I know it has rack and pinion steering.

·  I'm beginning to think the first week of Lent is nothing more than a scam run by the Gorton family to get Catholics to buy more fish sticks.

·  Overindulging in beef can lead to the meat sweats followed by the protein shakes.

·  I hear they're coming out with a social networking site for fans of 80s music called http://SisterChristianMingle.com .

·  You can cross your eyes & you can cross your Ts, but never cross your I-T...department or they may find suspicious photos on your computer.

·  I have no problem with public speaking, I just don't like doing it in front of other people.

·  I think Minnesota Wild coach Mike Yeo needs to stop with the "We only have one goal in mind..." pre-game speeches. #GoWild

·  It seems like some characters on 'Mad Men' must second-hand chain smoke at least three packs a day.

·  If you're a band that wants to make a statement you definitely should put a period at the end of your name. #fun.

·  Is it just me or did Senator Rubio subliminally plug "Water for Elephants"? #sotu

·  And subsequently that last minute desperation at same time by many bar patrons to connect with someone will be called Zero Dark Flirty.

·  From here on out anytime someone slips and falls coming out of a bar around closing time it shall be referred to as Zero Dark Hurty...

·  I should get HBO so I can stop feeling so emasculated whenever asked "Do you like 'Girls'?"...at least I think they're asking about TV show.

·  My vote for Pope Benedict's replacement...Father Guido Sarducci. He hasn't had steady work in decades and he could really use the money.

·  Continued use of the phrase "I'm just saying" could be the single most important indicator that the apocalypse may soon be upon us.

·  After a two-year hiatus, Twins fans are hoping actual pitchers and catchers report this week for spring training.

·  I have seen this many people upset about Grammy since she pulled out her false teeth trying to scare little kids that one Halloween.

·  It seems like a plumber from Mumford & Sons recently installed our new water heater. Great, good luck getting them out to do warranty work.

·  What do the Grammy's and a parasite have in common...apparently for both any host will do.

·  At Mass this morning it dawned on me that most practicing Catholics use about as many hand signals as a third base coach. #inthebiginning

·  King Richard III having been found buried under a parking lot begs the obvious question...do they validate?

·  Is it normal to go through a weekend with out at least one bout of the meat sweats?

·  Gideon's is now offering the Kevin James Version of the Bible.

·  Blizzards in northeast and a blizzard predicted for Upper Midwest...Apparently Mother Nature & Old Man Winter are now endorsing DQ products.

·  If the Fonz lived in these times I'm quite sure he'd be the target of cyber bullying, that is if Arnold's had wi-fi.

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·  Ever notice how young people never long for the good old days until they're good and old themselves.

· Living with snow is a lot like living on a really, really, really cold white sand beach.

· Just when I think America might be getting back on track intellectually speaking the Disney Channel comes out with "Dog With A Blog".

· The appeal of ice fishing to me is that it would occupy that need after golf season is over to drink beer in groups of four or less.

· You should never judge a book by its cover...but feel free to do so with a manhole because that's about as good as that's ever going to get.

· Justin Bieber set to host SNL this weekend. Good thing, too, because he doesn't get enough exposure...to mediocre comedy.

· Fruit Loose (A Horror Story) #lesserfilms

· Nearly four months after the fact, I just realized my marriage is old enough to drive ... and not put away laundry even when asked nicely.

· Jeopardy question: "Places the Norwegian President avoids"... Answer: "What is the Fjord Theatre?"

· Carp Fishing on the Yangtze #lesserfilms

· Jowls, Jowls II and Jowls III #lesserfilms

· What does it mean when you sit down to write & your first thought is "I wonder what happened to the Fine Young Cannibals"? #itdrivesmecrazy

· "With stamps(dot)com you can print real stamps for your letters and packages"... like there's a website where you can print fake stamps?

· Made-up-but-probably-true...most Americans would be more upset if Domino's ended Saturday delivery.

· Thinking of starting a ticket broker business as I’m offering two of them to paradise and another pair to the gun show.

· Being reality show stars must be a boon for Honey Boo Boo's family as they no longer have to live 12 pack-to-12 pack.

· So one of the stars of 16 & Pregnant announces she expecting another child … or as what some would refer to as having a pun in the oven.

· With phone booths basically reaching a doo-doo bird-like existence how is Clark Kent switching garb these days? Telekinetically?

· Wednesday (Feb. 6) is the day grown men across the U.S. hyperventilate over a teenagers ability to use a fax machine. #nationalsigningday

· After 28 years together you'd think members of Jane's Addiction would have at least evolved into Jane’s Recovery or Jane’s Relapse.

· During my big hair phase I often crashed & burned w/ pick up line "I get my kicks above the waistline, sunshine." #murrayheadlives...I think

· Minnesotans walking on ice = herd of wildebeests crossing croc-infested river. You know you gotta do it, but some you know will go down.

· Had a buddy who worked on a cleaning crew at a grain elevator. Of course, he was voted on by our class as "Most Likely to Suck Seed."

· While I still enjoy taking shots at Lance Armstrong, he's still driven up & down more mountains on bike now than I ever will by car.