My Twitter History (Part II)

· Two Broke Girls seems like very mediocre high school theater.,,and even that might be a stretch. Why is this still on the air?

· If my wife is correct apparently my voice sounds ridiculously like the Swedish Chef from the Muppets.

· Super Bowl goes dark, King Richard III's bones found under parking lot, Beyonce does her own singing at halftime...sneaky Mayans.

· What are my zombie chances if I were to be cremated? Slim to none?

· That Kayak commercial with the two guys in the one sweater bit makes me uncomfortable because they obviously ruined such a sweet sweater.

· If our country's past history of blackouts is any indicator, look for a run on Ravens & 49ers baby clothes in about 9 months. #superbowl

· As another Vikings-less Super Bowl is over it's time for Minnesotans to resume our other favorite winter pastime...bitching about weather.

· I'm sure there's a news editor somewhere in Baltimore sulking because he couldn't use "Power outrage" headline after Ravens won #SuperBowl.

· Apparently the lead electrical engineer at the Superdome is Clark Griswold. #superbowl #electricfail

· When it comes to cheating, all Bill Belichick did was steal signals. Jim Harbaugh has the power shut off. #superbowl #electricfail

· I love how everyone rushed in to tweet something funny about the Super Bowl power outage. Personally I find it re'volt'ing. Get it? #Iwin

· I loved Nikki & Sara's show on MTV the first time when it was Tina Fey and Amy Poehler hosting the Golden Globes.

· As Ground Hog Day has become more and more commercialized it's become just a shadow of its own self.

· The more I think about it the more I'd like to be like Red in "Shawshank Redemption" and be known as that guy who can get you things.

· The final courtroom scene in "A Few Good Men" is so moving that to this day I still don't know if I can handle the truth.

· Anyone else find it humorous that http://eHarmony.com  is pimping itself on the tube at 12:15 a.m. on a Sunday morning?

· I looked in the mirror this afternoon and saw a five o'clock shadow meaning my family will have at least 24 more hours of whisker burns.

· Thankfully Bruce Springsteen wasn't born in Maine, otherwise I couldn't go up to him at the Post Office & say "You're not the Boss of ME!".

· Drunk time travel is going to be awesome...you know many will go expecting to be at the Reformation but end up at "I Have A Dream" speech.

· I haven't been this confused since Stove Top introduced its microwaveable stuffing.

· Was really pumped to see new movie "Mama" but didn't go when I learned we wouldn't even see at least a cameo appearance by Vickie Lawrence.

· There's a better than even money chance that the parent who gets kicked out of a youth sporting event, at one time, owned a pair of Zubaz.

· Eating canned vegetables is a lot like receiving a bad gift at a birthday party...it's the thought that counts.

· I always hate it when my mom tells me to think outside the box when she knows I have another three weeks left in solitary confinement.

· I don't know why beggars can't be choosers. Is it because the choosers have a dress code? If so, I think that's being a little pretentious.

· The mob keeps spamming me asking if I needed help with any overdue Bills. Bills? No. However, the jury's still out on a Brad and a Frank.

· If you think drunk dialing, texting and Facebooking are a problem just wait until the advent of drunk time travel. #takebackinmetime

· So Ron Jeremy was hospitalized w/ a heart condition which is a total surprise since many suspected Ron just having a heart was a condition.

· I had a girlfriend once who always ate soup with crackers in it which you wouldn't think would be a deal breaker but Crackers was her dog.

· Do you think I have a problem if my mind goes blank after 140 characters, and I get worried if I'm not being followed?

· Rumors persist that Manti Te'o may turn pro in shadow boxing.

· Based upon recent events it's clear to me the reason the tortoise actually beat the hare is the shelled one used deer antler spray.

· 'Beauty is only skin deep' is one of those sayings you just kind of take everyone's word for because disproving it would be awfully messy.

· It seems like the underlying theme of each new "How I Met Your Mother" episode is summed up by "Oh my god, you still love Robin!". #HIMYM

· The guy looking for a walk in beer league softball is same guy who goes to bar with team after game but leaves before it's his turn to buy.

· @BarbaraJWalters has the chicken pox...Having had the pox before my only word of advice is for her to be careful 'cause itches be crazy.

· If you can't laugh at yourself, then close your eyes. If that doesn't work then laugh at the Swiss because they're such an easy target.

· If someone steals one of my identities, I hope they're stuck w/ that d-bag Bill with a poor credit rating & who's considered a flight risk.

· If an email w/ subject line "Get a good food coupon for your dog!" gets to your inbox, you don't have a Spam filter you have a Sham filter.

· You want reality TV programming gold? Mix one male nanny named Vic + several bratty kids under one roof = "To the Victor Goes the Spoiled"

· Ever get the feeling that some people are so mixed up upstairs that they don't need a psychiatrist to help them out, they need a spelunker.

· Hunt's should start spiking their Snack Packs & marketing them w/ obvious slogan, "the proof...is in the pudding." #whataretheywaitingfor

· I wanted to pick up a new hobby and thought about fencing for a little bit but then I realized I'd rather learn to fight like a man.

· Ray Lewis reportedly used a deer-antler spray to recover from torn triceps. I only hope he can get out of this rut by Sunday.

· Something I just realized, in my lifetime I've yet to see a chicken cross the road...well not successfully.

· Was Lou Bega really George Lucas? That's best explanation I can offer for releasing Mambo #5 before the first four came out.

· One of my bucket list items is to become important enough in this world to be able to commission something.

· Not a big fan of songs that ask a lot of questions. Even if you were motoring, why should I care about your price for flight?

· As a kid I always dared to be different. Like this one time, I opened a pink lemonade stand.

· I wish I could quickly churn out an oil painting. Then I'd give it to a stranger & ask, "Have you met my friend Art?" & we'd laugh.

· Mondays used to have meaning...well up until the Bangles decided to cash in by trashin' the early part of the week. Damn you Suzanna Hoffs!

· These days being MVP of the Pro Bowl is sort like winning a Rock, Paper, Scissors contest at a Mensa convention.

· Seeing "Hansel & Gretel" clips definitely raises a lot of questions for me as my parents apparently left a lot out of those bedtime stories.

· Catfish the TV Show just goes to show...there certainly are more people living in their parent's basement than anyone anticipated.

· Coffee table books are more or less the trophy wives of the literary world.

· It seems the only time I get to chat with my neighbors during winter months is when we're out blowing snow. Even then it's just idle chat.

· With all these matchmaking websites, it's time for a break-up website. http://eCantgetalong.com  or http://ChristianSplit.com  or http://MisMatched.com 

· Just got an e-mail from Christian Dating w/ subject "Finding God's Match for You." Apparently God spams now, too?

· If life is like a box of chocolates than I'm guessing joy tastes like caramel and disappointment must be the nougat. #1000thTweet!

· First thing I'm doing when I buy a pro sports franchise is changing its mascot to Defense...after all that's what wins championships.

· If necessity is the mother of invention then how do you explain the chip clip? Did we really need it?

· If gangs insist on doing drive by shootings, they should use a Prius. It shows you mean business but you're also environmentally conscious.

· Do they ever call VW Bug shows Beetle's reunions? #Fahrvergnügen

· Hey Chumbawumba, we get it...you got knocked down & then got up again. It's not something really worth bragging about.

· Are we sure the mustache on that General guy pushing auto insurance adheres to military regulations? Looks a bit long even for a biker.

· Is someone who directs a play called a stage coach?

· If you think something is worth "somewhere around" something, does that make you passive assessive?

· With pitchers and catchers reporting soon, I'm getting ready for upcoming Twins season by constantly disappointing my family as of late.

· In reality, Looney Tunes were more or less animated predecessors of the Jackass franchise...only with a plot & lovable characters.

· Enough with all the Manti Te'o stuff already. We'll all be better off if we pretend it didn't happen.

· If you come back reincarnated as a wildebeest on the Serengeti, I wouldn't fret because more than likely it won't last very long. #preyforu

· I hate winter days when it's freaking cold but there's no snow on ground. If I'm going to be miserable I don't want to enjoy it.

· I sometimes like to sit around & pretend that I've accomplished all I can in life... & then berate myself for not inventing a time machine.

· Old Man Winter, what part of snow don't you understand?

· I hate it when people look at a newborn baby & say it looks like one parent or the other. All I see is a 3-D illusion I can't figure out.

· One of the very few things I enjoy about winter is it lessens the odds I might wear sandals with black socks because "it looks good."

· My home town was so conservative they didn't allow you to make out with someone standing up ...because it might lead to dancing.

· Next dog we get we're naming The Rain. That way if the dog tips over the trash or knocks up neighbor dog we can blame it on The Rain.

· Watching shows like Moonshiners, Duck Dynasty & Swamp People leads me to believe that northern rednecks need to become more sophisticated.

· If you're a movie bad guy, don't lease an office in a high rise tower. Better than even money chance you meet your demise going out window.

· If I were able to rap & they wanted to give me a rap name I'd choose I.M.Dad23... you know, because I have just three kids.

· Indiana's Assembly Hall is kind of like the mullet of college basketball arenas. Business on the upper half and party on the floor...level

· If I had known that all it took was just one guitar to be a juke box hero I would have bartered for one long ago. #onlyonewaytogo

· I miss those years when the Super Bowl used to play second fiddle to the Bud Bowl.

· I wonder what Manti Te'o's stance is on lip synching our national anthem?

· It reeks of desperation when a TV show pulls out the Heather Locklear guest appearance card. You're better than that Rules of Engagement!

· It seems all you need these days to create a successful sitcom is a restaurant booth large enough to seat at least six.

· I think it should be made mandatory to have verification from at least two non-relatives that you actually did LOL before you can type it.

· I find it amusing that of all the things Dog the Bounty Hunter & his crew pray for each episode that a new hairstyle is never brought up.

· Watched episode of Doomsday Preppers & was amused & horrified at same time. Not of Apocalypse, but that these people will repopulate Earth.

· I don't get the big deal over Beyonce's lip-synching of the Star Spangled Banner. I've been lip-synching at church for years now.

· Even if you turn that frown upside down, it's still a frown to those living in the southern hemisphere.

· You know you're from a small town when some of your earliest comedic influences were Minnie Pearl and Junior Samples from Hee Haw.

· If I could go back in time to change a historical event I'd go back and push that kid out of the way who ruined Jarts for the rest of us.

· Apparently 49ers' and Ravens' players didn't listen very well when they were told as kids not to play on the road.

· You know you are getting old when you still think the price of Park Place and Boardwalk are just too damned too high.

· Makers of Pong file for bankruptcy, after unsuccessfully going back and forth with creditors trying to get point across.

· I never thought my HS hoops coach's orders to "box out" would come in handy later in life until I learned how busy a Redbox kiosk can get.

· Another reason to tune into this year's Super Bowl...post-game coach's handshake might lead to a Wet Willie!

· Picking between 49ers & Ravens is kind of like choosing a favorite great aunt, in that other than immediate family/fans no one really cares.

· I can't watch this year's Super Bowl seriously knowing at some point in their lives one of the coaches smacked the other with his own hands.

· I wonder if any of the media outlets will pick up on the fact the head coaches of the two Super Bowl teams used to give each other wedgies.

· Tinker Toys caused me great frustration as a kid because you could make a square by putting round pegs into round holes.

· I got fired once as a custodian because I wasn't able to maintain the status quo.

· Lance Armstrong coming clean is biggest admission of guilt in sports since Ricky Bobby's dad admitted you could finish second or third, too.

· It's going to be so cold here the next day or so that even Manti Te'o's fake girlfriend is pretending to tell people she'd never live here.

· The VW commercial with the guy playing "catch" with his son gets played out in front yards across America way more than you'd think.

· I love it how they always say a football game is going to be won or lost in the trenches but then no team provides players with any shovels.

· Rob Dyrdek on Ridiculousness makes me long for Bob Saget on America's Funniest Home Videos...and no one longs for Bob Saget in anything.

· Using "Jump" in the title of your pop song may not guarantee it becomes a hit, but it does increase the odds of it becoming a Jock Jam.

· It's so windy outside it sounds like a couple grizzly bears wrestling in a Sun Chips bag.

· Playing tight man-to-man defense in basketball is nothing more than trying to deceive the opposition with jazz hands.

· If you meet someone through ChristianMingle(dot)com on a Sunday does that count as going to church?

· Is it possible Manti Te'o is actually in a relationship with Siri & just made that other girl up to throw us off track?

· If laughter is the best medicine, then comedy club cover charges should be covered by health insurance...along with the two-drink minimum.

· A supermarket chain admits to putting horse meat in burger...then tries to remedy situation by recommending serving it with Seabiscuits.

· Let's call football stadiums what they really are -- large, publicly-financed places where large groups of people congregate to high five.

· Dear Oprah, I've got monkeys I'd like to get off my back starting with that chimp from 'B.J. & the Bear' who moved in after show got the ax.

· Tim Tebow appeared so few times on the field this season that investigators initially considered him a suspect as Manti Te'o's girlfriend.

· I admit before I rode my bike in the morning as a kid I often loaded up on a performance-enhancing substance... called Super Sugar Crisp.

· If you think about it, most great speeches in history could be looked at today as really elaborate Facebook updates. #whatsgoingonworld?

· I think it is safe to say that anyone with a hobby is considered to be a person of interest.

· How long before Oprah gets Ben Affleck to admit he directed #Argo while on performance-enhancing drugs?

· I think Lance Armstrong should be stripped of all his titles/ medals & then be forced to ride bike on a banana seat the rest of his life

· It has come to my understanding my better half recently 'liked' Walmart on Facebook ... in a related matter I recently 'liked' Annulment.

· Am I allowed inside a Cabela's if the only land animals I've killed have been unintentionally with a vehicle?

· Is it true Lance Armstrong had to do entire Oprah interview without pants because the Fire Marshal made it mandatory?

· I felt so bad for Manti Te'o that I thought I'd offer him the chance to go halfsies on a Nigerian e-mail investment opportunity I received.

· Good news! My former fake girlfriend called and said she's back on the market again... as of today.

· Drunk Tweeting, drunk Facebooking and drunk dialing owe a lot to their predecessors ... the drunk telegraph and drunk smoke signal.

· I have a rather impressive collection of impressionist paintings, except for the one of Frank Caliendo. That one is often annoying.

· I'd be a much bigger fan of the egg white omelet if the chicken hadn't gone to so much work to produce both the egg white and the egg yolk.

·Maybe that was fake Notre Dame that Alabama played in BCS title game, because that would explain a lot.

· How can you call the Australian Open a tennis major when it's only real competition for TV viewers is a ThighMaster IV infomercial?

· One risk of listening to an 80s station online is that you're bound to be subject to Culture Club at some point. I'll tumble for no one!

· Listening to 80s music on Pandora has me craving an ice cold can of Rondo. #generationexcellent

· I suspect when Hasbro introduced GI Joe w/ the Kung Fu grip that soon after Strawberry Shortcake with a roundhouse kick was discussed.

· Another thing that should have clued the bicycling world in on Lance Armstrong cheating is that he won all those races on a stationary bike.

· It's nice that Lance Armstrong finally "spoke" the truth.

· If Tupac had cut back to Onepac at some point early in his life my guess we'd still be enjoying his quirky lyrics and toe-tappin' melodies.

· Geico ads part III ... "Happier than Colin Kaepernick seeing the Green Bay Packers defense"...ooops, the 49ers scored again.

· More Geico ads I want to see... "Happier than Tommy Lee Jones at a Hollywood awards show" ... you know, because of the irony.

· The Geico ad I want to see is "...Happier than @JuddApatow at a three hour movie!"...insert

· The bicycling world's first clue that Lance Armstrong was doping was one of his sponsors was Altoids...the curiously strong mint.

· I hear the new version of the Livestrong bracelets now include a winky face.

· Timberwolves are getting so bad I hear KFC has withdrawn as a corporate sponsor because team has problem putting anything in the bucket.

· @morebenleonard So true. #HIMYM has become legend...wait for it...keep waiting...still waiting...oh, hell, I give up.

· Charlie Sheen on Letterman is the antithesis of Tommy Lee Jones at the Golden Globes. #lateshow

· If Lance Armstrong is going to confess on Oprah, then let me admit...I've run with scissors and went swimming w/in an hour of eating.

· Witches are sort of the Amish of the casting evil spells world. With jet packs available they still use the broomstick, and those colors...

· I don't really care what chemical compounds are included in WD40, I don't want to live in a world without it.

· A good way to hook me on any reality TV show is for the first line of dialogue to be "We're here in Louisiana..."

· I was relieved to find out a new show called "Pit Bulls & Parolees" was not another show on child pageants and the moms who terrorize kids.

· As I watch my first episode of "Finding Bigfoot", the first thing that pops in my mind is "I bet these guys still own Members Only jackets."

· My first experience with writing profanity was putting up glowing expletives on my sister's Lite-Brite and then blaming it on my brother.

· There will probably be more hookups tonight in Hollywood after the #GoldenGlobes than at a KOA campground on a July 4th weekend.

· As much of a copycat society as we are, there has to be some nitwit out there who has lost at least a digit or two after watching Gator Boys

· Wow, two surprises for Argo at the #goldenglobes. Ben Affleck hasn't been this surprised since Jennifer Garner said "yes!"

· Jodie Foster looks way too young to earn a lifetime achievement award for anything. Great speech. #goldenglobes

· Little known fact: I do a mean Jodie Foster as Nell impression on Twitter..."Like a Tay in the Winnn..." Thank you!

· If 'Scarface' was set in Minnesota Tony Montana would have snorted an actual snow pile and died of a brain freeze, hence no dramatic ending.

· Green Bay Packers playoff chances, public and parochial...closed today.

· I am hoping to exercise my demons, but I can't decide between Zumba or P90X or maybe just go old school with a little Jack LaLanne.

· If you really did "Dream of Jeannie" couldn't you have done a little better than Barbara Eden? No offense but her name wasn't even Jeannie.

· Tried to get a job as Tupperware salesman once. Ironically, it turns out "I like to party" is not one of the company's desired skill sets.

· I used to have a fake friend named Who with lots of money. Then when kids would ask "hey, who's your rich friend?" I would say "exactly".

· Do they make a less humorous version of Silly Putty? At times I like to be amused but could do without the incontinence issues.

· If a tree falls in the woods I hope my cousin Frank isn't under it because he could be under there for days...especially if no one heard it.

· MTV's new motto: Reality killed the video star.

· I took an aptitude test once that came back saying "kamikaze pilot" which upset me because I still was dealing with a fear of flying issue.

· Whenever I watch The Shahs of Sunset and I see Reza I think to myself, "So this is what Chef Boyardee looked like in his younger days."

· We Minnesotans are kind of stuck between seasons at this point -- after we've said goodbye to Mall Santa & await arrival of Beer Cart Girl

· Life was much simpler when I was a kid. It seemed like the toughest decision I had to make was...Who was hotter? Pinky or Leather Tuscadero?

· Are you like me and suspect most photos of Paris Hilton have been heirbrushed?

· What if Tommy John just had tennis elbow all along?

· Re: my last tweet. What exactly would living it up at a Days Inn be like? Taking up both waffle makers?

· I know I have no where to go but up after receiving an e-mail from Days Inn with subject line "This winter, Live it UP!" #timeforalifechange

· At what point did the Molotovs figure out their drinks were really flammable...I mean REALLY flammable.

· If I could pick anyone to rumble with it would be my 8th grade self...and Larry Mondello from Leave it to Beaver. He always caused trouble.

· I give credit to ol' Cotton Eye Joe for his persistence. Many would have crumbled after about the fifth verse being tossed under the bus.

· Were felons allowed to vote for People's Choice Awards? If they weren't I'm afraid we didn't get true results about stuff few care about.

· One perk of a MN winter is if you sprain anything, an ice pack is never further than a shovel's length away. #landof10000largechunksofice

· Does Honey Boo Boo wear Yogi pants?

· Give a man a fish & you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish & you feed him for a lifetime. Teach me to fish & famine is sure to follow.

· Please write your own term papers, please write your own term papers, please write your own term papers... #gophers

· Do they still make Zima? And, if so, why?

· Motto at a courtroom artist's school..."Draw your own conclusions."

· If they ever film my life story, and why wouldn't they, I hope they cast Wilford Brimley as old me because of the 'stache I can never grow.

· The Seahawks have signed ex-Viking Ryan Longwell? I have an old Super Toe stored away somewhere that has stronger leg & is probably cheaper.

· I'm so not-mechanically inclined that for years I avoided using a search engine for fear I wouldn't know where to start it.

· Best Christmas gift I got this year...my son's new Nerf hoop. #icanstillfingerroll

· Crud, I just wasted my 800th Tweet in a reply to @morebenleonard and I had something really special planned, too. A mullet retrospective.

· It’s been said the meek shall inherit the earth, but knowing humans like I do I’m guessing it gets stuck in probate for a long time.

· It's too bad Sheena Easton's career has never really been the same since, you know, she and Tone Lōc had that whole falling out.

· If someday I was forced at gunpoint to choose a favorite Martin, I'd pick Mull just to throw the gunman off & give me time to get away.

· Even if you could walk 500 miles & even walk 500 more for someone, you shouldn't brag about it in song & make it tough for the rest of us.

· "Dead Poet's Society" always gives me this urge to seize the day until I realize it's only played on late night cable & now I'm very sleepy

· There are a lot of things I used to do in my youth that I would like to get back into and to Wang Chung again is right near the top.

· It seems like a no brainer for the Farrelly Brothers to team up with Martin Short and create Farrelly Short Films.

· Two things we all learned from the BCS title game last night. There is no I in Alabama and there is no fight in Notre Dame.

· Apparently Charlie Sheen is dating yet another adult film star, only reinforcing the old notion a fool and his honey are soon parted.

· An iPatch is probably the same way you stop smoking those e-cigarettes

· Do software pirates wear an iPatch?

· It just dawned on me the reason Fred and Barney used their feet to start and stop their cars was because fossil fuels weren't invented yet.

· Irony is that in all, given ample time to inhale before and exhale after, it takes about 10 seconds to say "Please, quit wasting my time."

· Each year that passes in which stupidity still isn't a crime means any potential life sentence is 12 months shorter for me. #catchmeifyoucan

· I'm open to the idea of a law that limits football fans just one high five per quarter. More than one & you get fist-bumped in head or gut.

· Found some mold growing on a Diet Coke can recently and immediately I thought "no big deal. everyone could use a little pop culture."

·Last 'Bama football player to be a part of such carnage was when Forrest Gump carried Lt. Dan out of that jungle.

· The only thing enjoyable about tonight's game has been Brent Musburger coming close to breaking a commandment over AJ McCarron's girlfriend.

·  I haven't seen an Irish whooping like this since McLovin got beat down in that liquor store.  

·  The Fighting Irish? More like the Fainting Irish. #BCS

· Choosing between Notre Dame and Alabama for tonight's game is like trying to pick a favorite dictator.

· In the grand scheme of things it's not about money or possessions, unless you plan on getting rich doing exorcisms.  

· I gotta stop listening to 80s music on Pandora because it never fails that I start thinking like a man who has a lot more hair.

·  Is it true if you've never voted you can still watch the People's Choice Awards but can't complain about the winners?

·  Me: So Mr. Collins, this girl that's been on your mind...for how long? Phil: All the time. Me: You sue the studio? Phil: Oh no.

·  Joe Webb looked like Joe Kapp tonight, but not Vikes QB Joe Kapp, the Joe Kapp who tried to fight that guy with the cane. #waitfornextyear

·  If at first you don't succeed, keep buying ACME products.

· Man can't live on bread alone because in a commune makes much more sense.

· Slow & steady doesn't win the race, It's the kid w/ premature facial hair who got held back a grade that does. At least at my school it was.

·  Does anyone know if two tickets to paradise is an all inclusive thing or do I have to bring my own coozies?

· When they discover a cure for the common cold I hope it's derived from something that's been in front of us all along ...like Fiddle Faddle.

·  It's not so much how the antelope puts on night vision goggles, but how they afford them with unemployment being what it is on the Serengeti

 ·  Someone told me recently that I had a god complex, but I got the last laugh because little did they know that I've never owned a church.

·  Adrian Peterson's surgically repaired knee doesn't demand respect, it just takes it from you.

·  Isn't it ironic that many libraries are just one story buildings.

· Christmas tree & decorations put away, last of goodies consumed, Big Ten disappoints in bowl season. Yup, holiday season is officially over.