My Twitter History (Part III)

·  Why is that Kim & Kanye are allowed to reproduce...together, but we still can't legally get a good Cuban cigar here in the U.S. #messedup

· Adrian Peterson's surgically repaired knee doesn't bow to no one.

· I blame the survival of the high five on TV camera crews insistence on showing crowd shots at college FB games.

· They say not to criticize a man before walking a mile in his shoes, unless he's wearing Crocs then you have the right to verbally abuse him.

· Wonder why so many aspiring actors in LA work in restaurants? They say that good things come to those that wait.

· When I look out window & squint it looks like we're living on a white sand beach ... sans the nagging tourists asking to use our restroom.

· Are New Year's resolutions like birthday wishes in that if you tell someone they won't come true? If so, I'm vowing to gain weight in 2013.

· @juddapatow any movie forcing me to break multiple Commandments before credits roll gets two thumbs up..wait, Megan Fox is married, right?

· Less than two months before pitchers and catchers report, and hopefully this year they report for the Twins, too.

· I know where Santa goes when his X-mas duties are done, but what does Mall Santa do? Wait for the start of carnival season?

· My family Christmas this Sunday plus Vikings-Packers game that afternoon has the potential to produce severe mood swings and chest pains.

· Jumper cables & a good sense of humor during a Minnesota winter are as attractive as six-pack abs & great hair some place where it's warm.

· With X-mas almost over it's time to focus on those other unrealistic holiday expectations...or what others call New Year's resolutions.

· Does the whole make a list & check it twice begin day after X-mas or are we given a hall pass til Jan. 1? My New Year's Eve depends on it.

· Nothing puts you more into the holiday spirit than watching three wise guys (DeNiro, Peschi & Liotta) in "Goodfellas".

· A holiday dilemma...24 hours of "A Christmas Story" or a "Ridiculousness" marathon? #ralphievsrob

· I find it funny that some people I know criticizing the "junk" on TV that kids are exposed to today grew up watching "Hee Haw".

· I think it's a good rule of thumb to never watch a movie which has more characters than are allowed in a Tweet.

· I was such a rebel back in my youth that I didn't even clap when someone told me I was happy and I knew it.

· If you think about it "Twas the Night Before Christmas" is really a glorified Facebook post. #notacreaturewasstirring

· Is it pathetic that the only winter activity I really enjoy is blowing snow?

· "A Christmas Story" confirms the only reason I still endure winter is for the chance at a White Christmas, after that I long for warmth

· A Q&A that applies today. Q: Was "A Christmas Story" just on? A: Yes, 'Twas.

· Was "This is 40" a good movie? Yes, 'Twas.

· My goal today, to only 'Tweet using the word 'Twas. So...'Twas nice to see the Vikings win a big game for a change.

· Why do successful people always credit "a strong work ethic" for their accomplishments. It's like recognizing oxygen for living a long life.

· Better hit the hay because as they say the early bird gets the worm ... if it's even possible to find a worm through two feet of ice.

· Retailers really missed out on promoting a "Be Buyin' Like a Mayan" campaign today...you know, shop like there's no tomorrow. #endoftheworld

· Bet Fleetwood Mac is sweating bullets with all this Mayan talk hurting their "Don't Stop (Thinking About Tomorrow)" sales.

· SNOBLOG (order of Snow Blower Guys) duties complete, kids off to school, wife off to work ... & I just realized how much I miss mosquitos.

· It's a dog-eat-dog world out there and sometimes I feel like one of those pig ear chew toys and on bad days a squirrel.

· That's not "Boo!" Christian Ponder is saying, it's "I DOOOOOOO!"

· Hey Christian Ponder, that's not "Boo!" they're saying, it's "something old, something new, something borrowed & something BLUUUE!"

· My golf game mirrors my life... lots of time spent in water, sand, long grass & trees all the while avoiding that hole in ground at end

· I'd give much more validity to the Mayan prophecy if they had done it with jazz hands.

· When the MIT basketball team hosts a White Out night do their fans dress up as "delete" keys?

· At what point in a person's life do you become posse worthy? After all one of my New Year's resolutions is to get one & roll with it.

· If I were on a deserted island the one person I'd wish for is someone with an iPhone so we could look up how to build a coconut radio.

· Mall Santa and Beer Cart Girl are so alike in that they are in multiple places at one time and bring a lot of joy to a certain demographic.

· Rumors have it they were considering a "Dirty Dancing" remake but then realized no one could put Honey Boo Boo in a corner.

· Who is this huge Ackman guy on w/ Katie Couric. He'd make a great Wolverine if they ever decide to make the X- Men into a movie.

· Is it ironic that after 20 years in journalism I'm just a couple stacks of old newspapers away from being a hoarder?

· You know what they say about clichés ... they're a dime a dozen.

· Tweet and retweet were in a boat, tweet fell in so who's left? #worsttweetof2012

· Zoey Deschanel now divorced from Death Cab for Cutie hubby, which is exciting for me because I've never typed "Death Cab for Cutie" before.

· The bad news -- my son Shea is now learning how to play the recorder at home for music class. The good news -- he's my youngest child.

· I'm really banking a lot on these Mayans being right as are a lot of my other fellow Christmas Eve shoppers.

· I wanna make a t-shirt for heavy people like me that says, "Protected by Mrs. SMITH's Pies & WESSON Oil"

· My great grandfather used to tell me if you have more Twitter followers than there are people in your hometown then you're just showing off.

· Adrian Peterson should be called the Harold Stassen of the NFL in that he's always running.

· Gilligan's Island wouldn't fly today because of technology ... and the fact Bob Denver is no longer with us.

· If I come back reincarnated as a wildebeest it's going to be a major disappointment because I'm so scared of lions the way it is now.

· Here's hoping Sam Bradford doesn't channel his inner Kurt Warner ... and tell his significant other a crew cut is a good look.

· So Charlie Sheen gave Lindsay Lohan $100,000 to help her out meaning we all were wrong & life can get lower than punching out a mystic.

· It used to be Saturday nights consisted of some liquor and Twister, now it's usually made up of the clicker and Twitter. #doesntsucktobeme

· I occasionally love a good joke about euthanasia, but too often they put me to sleep.

· I know I need haircut when my bald spot starts looking like Robin Williams' forearms cradled around an ostrich egg.

· When life gives you lemons please know you got a good deal. Some guy named Freedom wants 10 bucks for a bag of them out on the freeway.

· Shocking TMZ headline: "16 & Pregnant" stars arrested.

· Fruit cake is a lot like a Nickelback album in that they seem to be everywhere but no one is quite sure why people still buy them.

· Adrian Peterson's surgically repaired knee has reportedly dated and dumped at least one Kardashian.

· If the GOP had selected Adrian Peterson's surgically repaired knee as its presidential candidate we'd be looking at a lame-duck president.

· Why is it if I break into someone’s home to watch them asleep and/or awake it’s a crime but when Santa does it they glorify him in song?  

· Excuses are like meth labs. Not using them properly can blow up in your face.

· I couldn't quite get that Grand Funk Railroad. What kind of band were you?

· Every time I go thru an automated car wash my car may get clean but I come out with low self esteem with all the orders it barks out at me.

· I hear the Klan is now offering a cutoff jorts option for their official uniform -- or as they call it 'Rocking your David Dukes".

· George Thorogood probably made a lot of money signing "Bad to the Bone" but I bet if he had to do it over again he'd sing "Good to the Bone"

· When Frosty the Snowman has to take a leak do you ever think he tries to write his name on himself?

· Not only don't I fear the reaper, I don't follow him on Twitter because he probably wouldn't say much other than "you're dead to me".

· Some say we evolved from hunters- gatherers about 10,000 years ago. I say it was the minute they required us to wear orange to shoot things.

· Hugh Hefner was 60 when his latest fiancée was born and at around that same time both started experimenting with diapers. @Late_Show

· At 86, Hugh Hefner is old enough to remember Pearl Harbor. At 26, his fiancée isn't old enough to remember Pearl Jam.@Late_Show

· "Storage Wars" was scripted? At least Honey Boo Boo is always keeping it real...because chances are she can't read.

· Enjoying a classic rock station is the first step on the path to not only admitting your getting old but accepting the fact you are old.

· Because I don’t have Siri, I end up asking myself a lot of questions for which I simply don’t have an answer

· My wife got my bucket list by mistake instead of X-mas list & after I fixed mistake she's now mad cause Jennifer Anniston's name is on both.

· Final dance scene of 'Freaks & Geeks' episode #1 was like an out of body experience I had as a 9th grader...without the cool cast.

· They say no two snowflakes look alike but I think it's a safe bet to say no one has seen everyone...well not anyone outside of Minnesota.

· The first snow blowing experience of the winter is always enjoyable...until I realize winter hasn't officially arrived yet.

· I thought I had a spider problem in my house, but then realized I was just having daddy long leg issues.

· Winter in Minnesota is the Charlie Sheen of seasons. It's fun to look at from a distance but something you want no part of up close.

· I'd be all for this whole 'save the tigers' effort if I knew these big cats would return the favor should the human race near extinction.

· A 50 degree December day in MN is a lot like getting your back waxed. It's all warm & soothing at first but you know things will get ugly.

· Happy December everyone. Here's hoping it comes in like a lamb and doesn't go out like a Mayan ... prophecy come true

· You knew Wang Chung's staying power was over when they broke the #1 rule in pop music -- never verb yourselves!

· Lindsay Lohan allegedly punches a psychic; wonder why she didn't see that coming http://bit.ly/QvYXFk 

· I've now nearing the age as a golfer where grip, trip and championship are substitued by trip, slip and replacement hip. #gettingoldersucks

· If you think about it, Sherlock Holmes could lose 8 digits from his feet via machete accident & still fight crime as The Two-Toed Sleuth.

· To compensate for my lack of pugilistic skills I often flex & tell people they don't want to mess w/ the Baking Soda Boys - Arm & Hammer.

· Ticket Oak, can I get two for the gun show?

· Vanilla Spy #RejectedBondTitles

· Live and Let Fry #RejectedBondTitles

· Rules of Engagement supplants HIMYM as me late night re-run fave. Bianca Kajlich close to pushing Ms. Anniston off the ol' laminated list.

· News flash: Number of NFL players allegedly using Viagra for competitive edge on the rise

· If I win the Powerball I'll probably laugh & then cry, but mostly laugh as I've been told that's what people often do on the way to the bank

· If I ever open a speakeasy I'm gonna call it The Mullet...and, of course, my motto "business in the front, party in the back."

· About the most disappointing thing I've learned in the last 30 years is that there definitely is more than one way to rock. @sammyhagar

· Once had a girlfriend break up with me when she found out the raspberry beret I bought her didn't come from a second-hand store

· So the guy who plays Jake in Two & Half Men comes out saying the show is filth. News flash: Angus Jones discovers belated grasp of obvious.

· If you love someone, set them free. But, only if they aren't in jail because I have a hunch that would be frowned upon by some.

· Doesn't Barrows & Gilts sound like a great name for a garage band? It's far better than Slaughter Steers & Heifers. #igottagetbacktowork

· You know you live in a small town when you tune in to local radio and hear a double shot of Led Zepplin followed by farm market report

· Social media certainly has to make Santa's list-making duties much easier. #thatstuffnevergoesaway

· Cyber Monday really promotes the idea of what the holiday season is all about ... #identitytheft

· I so have to get my eyes checked. Spent a good deal of time looking out for Cyborgs this Monday instead of shopping for deals online.

· I've got news for you antelope with night vision goggles...you have to sleep some time. Sincerely, The Lion Who Sleeps Tonight

· Someone in Texas has synced their Christmas lights to the song "Gangnam Style"...secession can't get here soon enough.

· It would be way more dignified if plastic surgeons referred to the stuff they suck out during liposuction as 'after girth'.

· Hired a woman once to help with delivery of our child, but she called to say she couldn't make the birth. Said it was a midwife crisis.

· Had friend in college who always got the 'beer boggles' in that the more he drank the better looking he thought he was.

· Every time I want to whine about this cold spell I peek out at my lawn mower in the garage & quickly remember how much I hate cutting grass.

· What a major disappointment to find out that "Lincoln" isn't Clint Eastwood's sequel to "Gran Torino".

· @JuddApatow So "This Is 40" has nothing to do with awkwardly large bottles of malt liquor?

· Want to see Life of Pi because my best friend gives it 3.14159 stars.

· @JuddApatow Oh great, been waiting for months to see This Is 40 & just realized it opens the day world ends. Praying for an early matinee!

· Thanksgiving tradition that always puzzled me...President pardoning a turkey each year. Why? So it, too, can watch the Detroit Lions lose?

· Every time I get in trouble with my wife she gives me Thomas Dolby treatment - by blinding me with silence. Must be how I got my man eyes

· With Hostess shutting down, the nickname Twinkies for MN baseball team becomes more applicable with way they've shut down last two years.

· Mondays often make me feel like a hockey goalie on muscle relaxers facing a two-man advantage.

· #FiscalCliff sounds like a super hero accountant...who drops a fist pump and a "CHA-CHING!" every time he saves you money.

· Isn't Fiscal Cliff the name of that short-lived #Cheers spin-off series starring John Ratzenberger? #itsalittleknownfact

· If I were a bad boxer I'd want my next fight to be in Florida because they seem to have issues w/ counting down there. #election2012

· Halloween is the time of year when you heed the warning that ... Witches be crazy this time of year.

· One time in my youth, I turned around and...yep, you guessed it. Der Kommisar wasn't in town.

· Was turned down for a job at Hovercraft when during interview I admitted my biggest weakness was inability to reinvent the wheel.

· Taken2 tops the box office charts for last week; apparently one of Liam Neeson's particular set of skills is ... winning.

· It's amazing how a 42 degree day in October can chill you to the bone while 42 degrees in January sends you looking for the golf clubs.

· Twins reassign Joe Vavra to spark team offensively. Wally the Beer Man promoted to Wally the Hit Man.

· Am I the only one who feels like being outdoors in Minnesota right now is like you're in some 80s movie scene set in former USSR? #Dreary

· Re: MNF game ... The question of possession hasn't garnered this much attention since The Exorcist!

· I'm declaring today National Left-Handed Scissors Day...a day for those who normally can't make the cut.

· @diablocody I'm not taking advice from anyone else's dad at this time, unless it's thru an agent...or if your dad is that Dos Equis guy.

·  I hear the new iPhone is joining the ACC, too, but for local calls only. Although it will allow for five drunk dials a year to ACC students.

· Realizing I wasted my 400th Tweet on #NotreDame joining the #ACC is most disappointed I've been since I paid full price to watch #Zookeeper

· #NotreDame joining ACC for all sports but hockey and football is kind of like saying ACC is dating Jessica Simpson when it's really Marge.

· I always thought the lyric "you are a magnet and I am steel" was "you are romantic and I love you still".

· I'm declaring this National Third Person Day...or I should say Kurt has declared this National Third Person Day

· Founder of Crocs arrested for DUI in Colorado. Issued statement saying he was “deeply sorry” (for inventing Crocs).

· Just discovered there's another Kurt Hildebrandt in Twitterworld who is a Packer fan. Is that what they refer to as guilt by association?

· Is there a limit on the number of times you can use the word "mullet" on Twitter?

· Listened to an 80s radio station on my way to work and wondering if anyone knows a great place to Wang Chung...and it has to be tonight.

· Had a bad dream once that I lost my sense of humor, which I attributed to a case of a fool and his funny being soon parted

· Penn State can now spend its time trying to become soul eligible.

· Anyone ever find out if Jessie ever forgave Rick Springfield for publicly bird dogging on his girl?

·  Rumor has it official mascot of 'Global Warming is a Sham' crowd going to be crickets...because that's all we're hearing from them now

· Every time I want to whine about this crazy hot weather I peek out at my snowblower in the garage & realize how much sweat blurs my vision.

· Some day I hope to adhere to fine print on the back of my Man Card & actually resist urge to watch Bravo.

· Needles found in airplane sandwich...apparently terrorists are trying to make a point!

· What is it about Cobie Smulders that makes a guy want to go Canadian?

· The FDA needs to step in and force hurts donut makers to put warning labels on them stating, "May cause exterior and interior bleeding."

· What if the Mayans are right & 2012 is it? I'll bet they'd become the cool kids on spiritual world playground and probably give out noogies.

· My youngest son, eyeing up a red, white and blue icee, blurts out "I bet it tastes like America!" I call it a Patriot Act of Cuteness

· As much as I loved #Ted, why were there no Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch jokes in the script?

· Little Caesars Pizza commercial when they hold fish, pizza box and dog over their heads is proof positive that crack kills...creativity

·  @robdelaney It just chaps my hide when people say Happy 4th of July. It's America people, we say Merry Independence Day in this country!

· Hopefully Zach Parise doesn't take as long to pick a team as Anderson Cooper.

· How long before Hollywood gets smart and greenlights 'Magic Ted: Bearly Legal'

·  Tom & Katie file for divorce ... Harpo Studios under police surveillance.

· Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes divorcing, Adele pregnant ... just more ways to show that Obamacare is unconstitutional!

· Loverboy sang it nearly 30 years ago and it still rings true today - Everybody's working for the weekend! Musical geniuses for their insight

· Say what u want about #SCOTUS ruling but I say BS on sudden surge of those who slept in civics class who are now Constitutional law experts.

· Just saw Australian style licorice ad. If it's anything like Australian rules football, Americans will be disappointed.

· If hell is hotter than it was today in #Minnesota then I need to consider a life change.

· You know you're getting old when you have to update your laminated list because one of your top 10 has become a grandma.

· Minnesota Twins are 12 games under .500 but just 7.5 games out of first. A situation only Ricky Bobby's dad can explain.

· Jerry Sandusky, welcome to the rest of your life ... sentence.

· Percy Harvin wants Vikings to trade him; Florida Gators trying to make room to get them under SEC salary cap.

· The world would be such a better place if we all were required to greet each other w/ jazz hands!

· Was thinking of a club sandwich for lunch today, but then realized I couldn't afford the dues or remember the secret handshake.

· In the game of life I often feel like a pair of dice because it always seems like I'm getting rolled.

· Shouldn't the Heat and Thunder highlights be shown on the Weather Channel?

· Thousand Island dressing is the Nickelback of salad dressings in that no one publicly admits they like it but it still keeps on selling.

· Just saw some clips for Moonrise Kingdom & realized some in the biz are still out there expanding their minds through hallucinogens. WTFWT?

· If u think about it, Father's Day is basically rewarding a guy for getting past third base and sliding past home.

· If your Father's Day haul doubles your net worth you should be fixed immediately and by any means necessary.

· Do priests who have kids get 'Our Father's Day' cards?

· He who runs fastest doesn't always run the farthest ... but it doesn't matter if you're in a group being chased by a grizzly.

· The grass may greener on the other side but they're also more envious.

· If laughter is good medicine then I want to come back someday as a hyena because those things must live forever.

· More things that should have a Twitter account - your dreams, the example set by my big brother, your bliss, orders (military & civilian)...

· Things that should have a Twitter account - the yellow brick road, the leader, directions, your heart, doctor's orders, the bouncing ball...

· Combining Swamp People and Real Housewives of OC seems like an obvious hit for folks @HappyMadison Productions. Greenlight it!

· Coroner rules a dingo ate her baby...and after all these years we thought dog was man's best friend. Instead we're a dog favorite dish.

· Rob Dyrdek's career is basically televising one giant mid-life crisis.

· Lightning never strikes twice on the same Spot, because it usually kills Spot the first time.

· Watching Twins beat Cubs is exciting ... until you realize it's just the Cubs.

· At some point it would be great if humans evolved to the point where they had a positive and negative nipple.

· So I hear that copper is the hot new metal for interior design...seems to me meth addicts are ahead of their time.

· A Triple Crown win for I'll Have Another would have meant stud fees in the Brad Pitt range. Instead he'll now get the Bradley Cooper rate.

· So apparently I'll Have Another will no longer refer to Triple Crown wins but rather mares.

· Back in my smoking days a friend told me 'u don't smoke, the cigarette does. You're just the sucker behind it.' What a wise man he was.

· I draw the line at stalking, at exactly the distance which has been established by a court of law.

· Joys/pains of parenting. When your kid gets straight A's on report card and you whisk them in the air in joy but get kicked in the 'nads.

· Anyone who says golf is a good walk wasted needs to keep in mind it beats a bad run sober.

· I often don't strive to be the smartest man in the room, unless it's just me and the cast of the Jersey Shore in there.

· Those Febreze TV ads where they blindfold people and convince them to enter a strange room makes me wonder why more adults aren't abducted.

· It's often not the size of the dog in the fight, it's if you brought a dog at all when the signs clearly say 'No Dogs'!

· A way to solve our country's debt problem...increase the tax on pipers, because even in this economy they're always gettin' paid.

· I'm working on a rose hybrid that smells like freshly brewed coffee so I can put it on my night stand.

· With the world set to end in December, I've sped up my bucket list pursuit. Anyone know where I can get a three-legged mule with a lisp?

· Wisconsin recall election seems to me like Gov. Walker behaved just bad enough to get a spanking but not bad enough to get a grounding.

· So, an America's Got Talent singer lied about getting hurt by a grenade in Afghanistan? So apparently he didn't bomb off stage either.

· Going out on a date and not even getting a good night kiss from here on out should be referred to as being “Moonlight Graham-ed”

· Dad's taxi service is getting overworked. Don't my kids know they're supposed to be indoors watching TV? It's summer for cripes sake!

· My HS motto? A man's mind is like a garden. It can be intelligently cultivated or allowed to run wild." Mine's definitely that wild thing.

· I was talking with my 14-year old son about screenwriting and he said, "So writers create the magic, but directors make the magic happen."

· That was same guy whose yearbook motto was "They call me doc, 'cause i can operate anywhere." or something like that.

· I recall during a HS lit class, some 30 years ago, a classmate of mine reading the world's shortest poem entitled "Fleas" ... Adam had'em...

· Why no cheddar cheese company has used the slogan, 'Cheeses dyed for you' is beyond me.

· When Johann Santana's on the mound, pitches be crazy.

· Headline for Johann Santana's no-hitter ... "Chalk and Awe!"

· What sort of photos of the college athletic gods in compromising positions with farm animals does Alabama have to be good in another sport?

· A man walks into a bar and realizes he's in limbo.

· Don't these people waving those John 3:16 signs realize they're only right two times a day?

· No one ever takes me seriously ... Even with a grain of salt.

· I adhere to the philosophy to never eat any living thing that may consider me prey … unless it is a cannibal then it’s man-o eat man-o