My Twitter History (Part IV)

· US falls to Brazil in #soccer... making the Americans loser friendly!

· US falls to Brazil ... My biggest question is how can there be a loser in something called a friendly?

· Asher Allen retires at age 24? No one retires at that age, you make a career change.

· Since Devil Anse had pleurisy then I'm assuming the the Hatfields must be PC and the McCoys are Macs...because of that whole virus thing

· I long ago accepted the fact I'm not exactly eye candy to the ladies, but I still get the occasional Snickers.

· Would Wile E. Coyote's life been better if he wouldn't have listened to all those telling him to "try, try again"

· It would be cool to have both a dog and a chameleon named Karma.

· Next dog I get i'm going to name Karma, because I often hear that karma is a bitch.

· Nothing funny about natural disaster, but wonder if anyone wrote headline "Quake has Italy shaking in its boot"

· As the Pope can attest, nothing worse than a leaking butler.

· So the Pope's butler gets arrested and thus reaffirms what everyone knew all along ...

· Clint Eastwood and Morgan Freeman are the Screetch and Urkl of the serious dramatic actors

· Day off tomorrow and rain in the forecast ... sounds like a good time for a Judd Apatow flick or two, but only the funny ones.

· Million Dollar Baby is on and this just in ... that Clint Eastwood fella can act,

· Watching Men At Work...do you think there will be an vegamite sandwich references?

· Had to cut Kevin Garnett from my fantasy basketball team when I realized we didn't see eye to eye.

· So Kobe and the Lakers are eliminated from the playoffs ... that's what they get for moving out of Minneapolis.

· Inventor of Remote Control dies ... which reminds me how much I really miss Ken Ober and ... oh, not that remote control? Never mind.

· Watching HIMYM rerun ... Cobie Smulders is best thing U.S. imported from Canada since the Quebec Nordiques.

· If you see the forest through the trees then you'll have no trouble seeing my lawn through the dandelions.

· Did a double take after reading headline 'Minnesota GOP to stand with Ron Paul in Tampa' and at first thinking it said Rue Paul.

· They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder...except at closing time.

· If a tree falls in the woods ... I only hope I'm not standing on the side the termites liked the most.

· Woke up this morning, showered, got dressed and then had to ask the age-old question, 'Does my butt make these pants look big?'

As a father I hate a solar eclipse, because I dislike anything getting between me and the sun.

· Home school kids got it so easy as they rarely lose those "my dad's better than your dad" arguments.

· Kristen Wiig's last appearance on SNL is kind of like someone took away the cutest puppy out of a rather homily litter.

· All eyes will be 'glue'd to the TV to watch I'll Have Another's shot at the Triple Crown

· Bartenders collectivey cringed at the Preakness results...how many clever ways will people say "I'll Have Another" before June 9?

· I just realized I miss noting my 200th tweet...that's a that's-five-minutes-of-my-life-I'll-never-get-back moment I'll never get back.

· Letterman just said "an inning of T-ball is the most exciting hour in sports" and beverage almost evacuated through my nasal passage.

· Sometimes when I go to church I often think to myself...no joke here, because that's what I often do there...think to myself.

· The Minnesota Twins have been so bad this year FSN is considering pre-empting them rest of season with "Biggest Loser" re-runs.

· At times Facebook can seem like you've invited all these people to a house party and some keep insisting on bringing their own house.

· Rumor has it Chuck Norris has avoided Twitter because he follows no one.

· Best part for me about my Facebook page is that it is a dictatorship and on it I can take away anyone’s right to freedom of speech.

· If Jesus had a Facebook page would he send out "Friend" requests or ask you to "like" him?

· Spent good chunk of day chaperoning 6th graders on field trip, now have urge to bedazzle my cell phone and flatuate with my armpit.

· They say u can drown in as little as an inch of water...so you're taking life into your own hands with that whole eight glasses a day rule.

· Getting carded in your 20s is annoying, in your 30s it’s an inconvenience, in your 40s u r offended if they don't at least hesitate.

· Twitter, when I was a kid, consisted of a writing instrument or sharp object, some free time and some space on a bathroom stall wall.

· Twitter to me almost seems like stalking's middle man.

· I know people in glass houses aren't supposed to throw stones, but is it ok to throw glass if you live in a stone house?

· Terrell Owens making $80 million in his career and now saying he's broke is a blow to the 'fool & his money are soon parted' misnomer effort

· They say there are no sure things except death and taxes ... But try telling that to an out-of-work undertaker.

· The only reason we have the fishing opener the day before Mother's Day here in Minnesota is so Mom isn't only one disappointed that weekend.

· Wonder if obesity rates for mosquitoes and wood ticks has reached epidemic status yet...since they have a diet high in fat...people.

· I've always wanted to meet Justin Case, because he'd seem like a good guy to have around.

· As a kid I dreamt of becoming a classical musician and playing in an orchestra until I realized they promoted violins in the workplace.

· If the #ComedyAwards were a baseball game, Don Rickles just hit a walk-off home run.

· Kristen Wiig & Annie Mumolo wrestling match on Comedy Awards show seemed more real than WWE.

· There's a show called #CupcakeWars? Hard to believe a school cafeteria makes good fodder for reality TV.

· 20 years ago most Saturday nights I'd be debating ... stone washed or machine faded. Now its Twitter or Facebook. Ah, the joys of aging

· I've come to the conclusion after watching all of the debate & reading all the coverage of the Vikings stadium debate at the Legislature...Capitalism & socialism are brilliant concepts ... until the human element is factored in.

· Asked my wife if she wanted to see the #FiveYearEngagement and she said if it's anything like the 16 year marriage her answer is 'no'.

· Watching #HowIMetYourMother rerun...when it was funny. Cobie Smulders so close to replacing Jennifer Anniston as make believe celebrity wife

· I wake up this morning and find out the #Twins got no hit 9-0, then realized they got no pitched too.

· WTF?!!! Woeful #Twins fall ... yet again ... WTF?!!!

· I think @ChrisHansen could do just as good a job scaring the heck out of people in the CNBC's #Apocalypse2012

· Spent 10 minutes flipping between #Apocalypse2012 and #ToCatchAPredator and I'm not sure which group is more out of touch with reality.

· Just saw GirlWithTheDragonTatoo. Now have crush on Rooney Mara similar to one had on Ellen Page after seeing Juno. Both make me feel uneasy.

· @JuddApatow figure I better see #FiveYearEngagement because there probably won't be any nudity/sex scenes in sequel #FiveYearAnniversary.

· #MichaelFloyd to pair up with fellow Minnesotan #LarryFitzgerald in Arizona. Gotta be a Snow Birds nickname in there somewhere.

· I'm looking forward to the day someone moves to Canada to avoid the #NFLDraft

· First Communion and other events in which kids dress up have to be the only reason the clip-on tie industry stil exists.

· Twins win two of three so far @YankeeStadium...I've got nothing else to add, just enjoyed tweeting that.

· Have become a bit addicted to #StorageWars of late. Doesn't #BarryWeiss seem like the ultimate cool dad?

· Does #TommyJohn get a cut for every pitcher who undergoes elbow surgery?

· Trying to decide to root for #Kansas or #Kentucky is like trying to decide if you hate or despise #Walmart.

· My youngest, complaining about his school food..."the lasagna is usually burnt and the fish sticks taste way too much like fish!"

· Isn't it amusing that the future of our nation's #healthcare is being debated in front of people wearing funny robes? #supremecourt

· #Gophers in the #FrozenFour means trying to explain hockey to Missouri relatives over Easter weekend...a good problem to have

· #Tebow to the #Jets for a 4. Is that better than three 6s?

· Minnesota has the Baby Jesus (Joe Mauer), and perhaps Denver has the Maybe Jesus (Tim Tebow).

· Does the #SchoolofHardKnocks offer online courses?

· #JoeMauer got engaged? After all those years (off and on) catching pitches it was nice to see him finally make one.

· #Tim Tebow has attempted more bad passes this season than I did in eight years of college.

· Watching #Knocked Up...for umpteenth time, and I still laugh...and still can't believe he didn't read the baby books

· So a 6 year old girls drops a hole in one...while here I am at almost 45 & I struggle to get it past the ladies tee box.

· People give way too much credit to our country's early settlers...after all they settled here...they didn't aspire to be here.

· I got grounded so much as a kid that I wasn't able to fly commercially until.my late 20s.

· Favorite sitcoms, like best friends, are hard to find but once I do I'm fiercely loyal to both and like to see them at least once a week.

· As a kid my dad convinced me any time a MN sports team lost it was a higher power @ work. Now I realize the Mafia has nothing against MN.

· My wife likes to remind me that thankfully stupidity's not a crime or I would be facing a life sentence ... without the conjugal visits.

· I was really hoping President Obama's birth certificate would have said, "Made in Heaven" and watched the birthers' reaction to that!

· 70s today, but it could snow this weekend. In Minnesota, we consider Mother Nature to be a bit bi-polar

· Charlie Sheen should get a job making balloon animals, 'cause he's done a great job making an ass out of himself.

· If a fool and his money are soon parted...then I need to start hanging out with more fools.

· Packers/Bears should be fun, but for Vikings fans trying to pick a favorite is like having to choose between a root canal or colonoscopy.

· I'm dreaming of a green Christmas...heck, at this point I'd take a dull brown Christmas!

· Is it possible that a person can OD on too much snow? ... and we're not talkin' 'bout the kind of snow that got Scarface in trouble.

· The Metrodome hasn't seen that big of a collapse since the '98 NFC title game!

· Big Ten division names are Legends and Leaders? They might as well put a giant "L" on the front of each team's helmet while they're at it.

· I'm in midst of being the guest of honor at a writer's block party!

· Minnesota's two football teams are guided by Leslie and Jerry...two great comedic minds!

· The Gophers should put up a chimney at TCF Bank Stadium for next coach search. Maroon smoke...we're still looking; Gold smoke...we got him!

· A good sense of humor is one of the most attractive qualities an ugly person can have. The uglier you are the funnier you better be.

· They say money doesn't grow ON trees, but since cash is made of paper you could say it does grow IN it!

· Best thing about being a Minnesota sports fan is never having to hear that annoying Queen song over and over again.

· My biggest pet peeve is people who aren't nearly as important as they think they are, but are making a helluva lot more money than me.

· Facebook can be a great place to get in touch with long, lost friends, but an even greater place to lose touch with reality

· I don't consider myself a practicing Catholic, but rather a scrimmaging one in that I go to Mass sometimes on Sundays but it doesn't count.

· If your net worth doubles after the Christmas holiday haul, it's time for you to either get a job or get a better job.

· The difference between rude and Redbox rude is that one requires a valid credit card.

· Brett Favre financial tip of the day: Junk Bonds!

· Thankfully the flood waters didn't reach the Pearly Gates in St. Peter or it would have been a disaster of biblical proportions!

· Some may call Dolphins beating Vikings an upset ... but I call it PETA irony!

· Given the success of Julia Roberts' latest movie, they've decided to re-release "Pretty Woman" as "Meet, Pay, Love"